Am I jealous of Christians? I've been thinking about this today. In a way, yes, I think I am. I'm jealous of their safety in numbers. I'm jealous of their camaraderie. How they are so united by like beliefs. I'm jealous of their serenity in believing everything is the way it's suppose to be, and everything is going to be okay in the end. I want to be happy like they are. They are almost smug in their happiness. The way they look at each other with those knowing smiles and nods of the head. I want to be with the "in" crowd. I want to be loved, I want to be admired, and trusted. Why can't I just be a Christian? I think I've actually prayed these words a few time. "God, please let me believe in you and feel you. Please let me find your love, and be a Christian. I really want to fit in God. Please, please help me." But, nothing ever happens. You think maybe God doesn't like me? No, that's not possible. I'm just too darn likeable for that to be true. The only explanation I can come up with, is there is no God. That's not to hard to believe. I mean, they are some really old stories. I would say it is definitely possible they could have made a few mistakes back then. Like that the world was round, etc... So, I can understand that the Bible is flawed, and I don't really have to worry about understanding it. Just kind of view it a really violent Grimm's Fairy Tales kind of thing. A book with lessons to be learned, although sometimes, it's really hard to figure out exactly what the lesson is.
Okay, where does that leave me? I'm jealous of Christians, I don't believe a God exists that cares about me, and I'm confidant that the reason he doesn't care about me, is not that I'm a bad person. I don't believe the Bible is anything more than fables. I believe my fellow men, are rational and intelligent beings. They must see the same things I do. Why are they Christians, and I'm not? I mean, are they just out and out faking it, just to fit in? I just don't understand why they are caught up in this whole crazy business. Is it just the power of mass hysteria?
I remember during the memorial service when the story of Lazarus was read, there was one quote that said, "And Jesus felt compassion". And then Jesus brings Lazarus back from the dead. Cool! Now this is a Jesus, I can relate to. But, then I remember my friend is dead, and I wonder why Jesus doesn't seem to feel any compassion for her. I'd like to have my friend back too.
I think today, in Texas, it must be nice to be a Christian. But, I'm still glad, I'm not.
posted by S. Setterbo @ 6:00 PM
19 Comments:
You dare stand on your own, ask questions, risk being an outcast?
I remember a line from the movie "Ordinary People" where the less favored son Conrad felt extreme guilt that he had clung to the capsized boat but his older, stronger, "favored" brother had let go and drowned. Judd Hirsch, the psychiatrist asked Conrad: "Did it ever occur to you that you might be stronger than your brother?"
Herr Axel
Well, in Atwill's book "Caesar's Messiah", he makes a real solid case for Lazarus not talking because he was "made a super", not "served" one. He connects this as a lampoon of a story in War of the Jews, in which a women named Mary was said to have literally roasted her own baby, then when confronted by Roman troops, offered up the half she had not already eaten to them, which they, "did not take from her." Basically the same concept as used in the biblical passage describing the portion of the meal the Mary in the Lazarus tale is said to have chosen and Jesus declared "which shall not be taken from her."
Basically, the entire NT, which contains all the peace and love bits, unlike the OT, Atwill suggests is a complex puzzle which you can't solve without refering to the original untranslated version of War of the Jews. When you do solve the puzzles, then Jesus because just a label applied in various places to denote a prophet, the second coming becomes Titus Flavius and the entire NT becomes a huge black comedy version of the campaign, which is repeated verbatum in the same sequence and with the same people, names and events as in the NT. Josephus, who wrote War of the Jews and may have helped write the NT (it was the Flavians who introduced Christianity nearly fully formed to Rome), actually has been proven to have changed the date of the fall of Masada and other events, in order to make them 'fit' with the timeline needed for Jesus and the Book of Daniel, which is pointed to as predicting Jesus. However, without War of the Jews, there is no evidence of Jesus or the events of the NT and no chronology to show how the events 'fit' the Book of Daniel. And without the NT, odd references, like the mention of a women named mary cooking her child in a passover like ritualistic way, eating him and calling on him to be, "a by-word to the world, which is all that is now wanting to complete the calamities of us Jews.", make any sense, unless by-word is a pun on the supposed divinity of Jesus in raising Lazarus and the calamity was their inevitable fall, due to choosing to resist the Romans.
Point being, we might not be quite as happy as them, but I would much rather be slightly unhappy and aware of what *needs* to be solved in the world, instead of delusionally happy and convinced that half the problems of the world don't exist, because my faith tells me they are normal and the harm they sometimes bring is purely coincidental. A drunk is also usually absolutely certain they can drive, right up to the moment they hit an oncoming car or a telephone pole. And then, if they remain drunk, they are more likely to blame the other car for swerving or the pole for jumping out in front of them, than admit their perceptions are impared.
The Flavians convinced the illiterate and ignorant masses to worship Titus as God, while thinking it was Jesus and instilled 1/3, and the most prosperous, of the followers of the OT with Roman values and ideals. This promoted values more rational and atheist in view, which was a great service to the world, since the alternative might have been Muslims, who *did* find their military messiah. But they unfortunately shackled the resulting world with ignorance, superstition and a lot of serious stupidities that we could have done without in the process. All in all, an amusing trick, but a mixed back with respect to its ultimate result. ;)
The funny thing is, that camraderie is still possible. I've been a non-believer openly since Jr. High School, and I never managed to become comfortable with how lonely I felt. It wasn't the lack of an all-powerful invisible friend, it was the sense of community. A group that no matter what (in theory), you belonged to.
I think that was partially what was wrong with the person who lied to you the other day about needing to leave... she thought you were in the "safe" group, that she can at least give a chance, no matter what, then finds out you aren't. Sooner or later, hopefully, she'll remember the human being she talked to.
Anywho. In November of 2002 was the Godless Americans March on Washington, and there were about 5,000 people there. Amazingly, even with the fact that I knew that we weren't automatically "a group," and that there were fundamentalists with signs, megaphones, and flying spittle, letting us know in great detail what they felt our ultimate destiny was, I felt like, for lack of a better term, I belonged to a tribe, or an extended family. I can't explain it any better than that. This blog is wonderful, and keep reaching out, and know you're not alone (like so many of the other commenters have said). It's the cruelest illusion foisted off on us by the believers.
Good luck and warm thoughts to you.
I had an interesting conversation today about taking your own path in a culture that frowns on non-conformity. I recently moved back to the US from 3.5 yrs in Europe and can't quite come to grips with how powerful the pressure to conform in this society is (or I suppose any society). My acquaintance was making the point that non-conformists practically glow to certain individuals who are threatened by change or things they don't understand. I am sure some of what you may be experiencing is simply the struggle of others to conceptually come to grips with another path (equally valid but radically different). Unfortunately, the rest is intolerance and prejudice. It is sad that's what some people substitute for coping.
Do I dare disturb the universe?
Your certainly not alone.
We're here, its just that many of us feel that we will be institutionalized for admitting we don't aknowledge the exitance of a cranky invisible cloud dwelling being.
Your letting the Athiests of the world know that they are not alone, that they can coem out of their hiding. That they will not go quietly into the night...
I'm going to let them know to, on my own campaign, starting with postersof athiest quotes at my University, to counter weight the theistic ones.
You are perhaps jealous of Christians, but you are not jealous of them for their Christianity. Nor, I think, are you jealous of their sense of community. Not exactly.
Rather, you are jealous of their self-confidence - or perhaps better stated, their self-assurance. And as you proceed with your coming out, with your life as an open and proud atheist, you are creating the context in which you can feel equally self-assured - without the rationalizing self-delusions that the religious require to feel the same thing. Trust me, it is liberating to feel self-assurance without the underpinning of absurd and ultimately unbelievable delusions.
Ultimately, your own self-assurance will have a much stronger basis than that of any person of faith, no matter how strong. Because any person of faith, no matter how sincere, must at some level realize the unsupported leap they make. Or, as Ambrose Beirce defined in The Devil's Dictionary: "FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel."
Keep your chin up!
I'm an atheist in Round Rock, just north of Austin and my cousin is an agnostic in Houston. He has very thick skin and could care less if Christians don't like him. I am getting thicker skin daily as I've realized people will prejudge just based on one being an atheist. The good thing is I can always defend my position against the best of them so most of the time I don't even bother with them. I wanted to start a blog about being an atheist in TX but I am enjoying reading your material. Keep it up.
Well, I think you're grappling with a few things here, and I may as well babble out my own thoughts on the subject.
First off, the classic, if underfunded sci-fi program "Babylon-5" once provided the best line I've ever heard for Atheists pondering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune: "It's a good thing that the world is an unfair place- otherwise we'd deserve everything that happens to us."
Secondly, I think what you're feeling is precisely that lack of camaraderie. The problem we Atheists have, at least in the U.S., is that theism is so dominant, being an atheist in the first place requires a willingness to conclude that 90+% of the population is engaging in a collective fantasy. That kind of individualism and resistance to pressures to conform, though, doesn't lend itself well to forming groups. So, the same character traits (self-confidence, reason, etc.) that make it possible for us to be Atheists, also make it tough for us to form communities.
That said, however, you might investigate the Unitarian Universalist congregations in your area. I know a lot of Atheists who go there (Where Atheists, among others, are accepted and services are often quite non-denominational, and even non-religious) for exactly the sort of community you're longing for. I go with my sainted girlfriend (referred to as such because you have to be a saint to put up with me!) and, while I'm far too disagreeable to really feel like I belong, I at least don't feel unwelcome. It might work for you.
In any case, keep on keepin on! We're all on your side.
I just discovered your blog the other day through Internet Infidels, and absolutely loved reading all the entries so far. I am very proud of you for making this choice and sharing with everyone.
I agree with Drek above - I am an atheist and attend the UU church in Ann Arbor, MI. This is the first time in my life I couldn't wait for the next service each week. The "sermons" consistently promote freedom of conscience, tolerance of others, and responsibility in action. The church is very active in social issues, from supporting gay rights to building a Habitat for Humanity house yearly to sponsoring a Central American refugee family.
A few weeks ago we had our annual Religious Education service, where all the kids in the program (around 8th grade or so) get up in front of the congregation and read their personally crafted creeds. Anything is acceptable, so long as it is from their hearts and a result of true reflection. It was my first time at one of these yearly services, and it was so fantastic to hear these kids saying what they truly think without any fear of the dogma police.
Keep it up - I look forward to discovering a new entry every day :)
I have often felt this way about my extended family. They seem so happy in their delusion and I'm a little jealous of them for it. But I cannot live that way and be true to myself. As kagehi says, I too would "rather be slightly unhappy and aware of what *needs* to be solved in the world, instead of delusionally happy and convinced that half the problems of the world don't exist, because my faith tells me they are normal..."
Great entry!
I don't feel any jealousy for Christians. I know what it's like to be a christian, and I don't believe that Christianity=bliss. Churches want you to think that because it's good advertising for them. As a Christian, I did not feel more connected to people because of Christianity. I felt connected to my parents because we were close. But I spent a lot of time feeling disconnected from my christian "family," people I spent sometimes 7 days a week with.
I noticed the fakeness of it all fairly early in my childhood. The fakeness of people who say nice things to recruit, who say nice things because they think they are required to. People who aren't nice to you because they want to be, or because they like you, but because that's what they are commanded to do.
There is a bliss in Christianity that is chemical, physical--and very, very temporary. Then there is the peer pressure that is very, very clear to anyone who will allow themselves to see it. The pressure to perform "like a loving Christian." The pressure to act happy and blissful. The glazed-eye stare that comes from someone trained well. From someone with some samples to show you, or with "the good news" to tell you. You see that "bliss" coming, and you know that someone has something to sell you.
This, I do not envy. It's like envying the people in Jonestown when they thought everything was just great.
I belive Howard Roark said it best when asked by Mr. Toohey, "Mr. Roark, we're alone here. Why don't you tell me what you think of me? In any words you wish. No one will hear us." Roark replies, "But I don't think of you."
The Christians are the epitome of collectivists. They want you to be jealous of them because they want you to be one of them. There is no sense of individualism within those groups. Self is crimialized.
I often wonder why Christianity spread the way it did and why it is still so popular today. I think you point out the main reason, that it is a group to belong to, to feel at-home with. It is hard to stand alone and profess an idea or belief that goes against the grain.
Drek refers to one of my favorite quotes, so I feel compelled to share the whole of it:
"Wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe."
Your blog is inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us.
Please don't confuse the Christian "strenght in numbers" with self confidence. They are two entirely different things.
Also keep in mind, what binds them is a common delusion (blind faith in a god). Would you like to be part of a gang of inner city thugs because they exude "confidence"? Of course not.
On a lighter note, Groucho Marx Said it best, "I won't belong to any group that will have me as a member." :-)
There is nothing easy or simple about being an atheist in a world run by theists. I sometimes wish, when things are horrible or hard (like on 9.11) that I still had faith. I'd see all these people finding "peace" together in prayer -but I think there is an element of mass hysteria to it, absolutely.
Hellbound Alleee said it very well in her comment... I also no longer deal with envy or jealousy for that camaraderie. I used to - but then I realized that it wasn't real. The "family" I believed I had at the church I went to betrayed me when I needed them most, and they were some of the most two-faced, hypocritical, judgemental people I've ever know in my entire life. The exact opposite of what they all claimed to be, what they all think they are supposed to be.
As for your pondering on how many are faking, I am willing to bet more than we'll ever know. It's hard to let go of something you've held on to for so long. It's hard to end the only way of life you've ever lived.
I really admire your strength and courage for coming out of your atheistic closet... especially in Texas, which to me has always seemed like one of the most terrifyingly theistic states in the Union!
I have on many occasions had folks 'of faith' ask me why I didn't believe, and when I say that it's not a matter of choice, either you are sufficiently convinced of something's existence or not....when I would make this point, they would ask why I then didn't go to church 'Just in case' I've had quite a few theists ask me that...when I respond 'Wouldn't God see through that, and wouldn't that be like lying?' they tend to get very quiet and want to change the subject....interesting no?
as someone who has been a doubter most of my life, and a true non believer for the last five years or so, i've mostly been turned off by the arrogant sense of community and smug judgement, rather than jealous of it. i've considered my own "outing" for some time and in a funny way, i'm comforted by the fact that i can expect exactly the reactions that you are describing. my wife is a big fan of the all inclusive UU church that some mentioned below. i like to call it the "choose your own adventure" church like those books i read as a kid. they pick and choose the parts of culture and spirituality that give them a warm fuzzy feeling and, IMO, still see the world in god-tinted glasses. the day i embraced my lack of belief was the day i finally felt free to discover myself. i'll be reading this blog daily and i'll probably start my own version (something i've been thinking about for some time as well.) maybe soon, i'll be as couragous as you and intentionally let my friends and family know what i think about this. i probably won't tell my grandma though......
While there might seem to be some comfort available to those that join the herd of Christian sheep, remember that intelligence, creativity, and compassion are not cumulative.
A large herd of sheep will not develop skills beyond those needed for basic survival. Even that is questionable:
http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/wireStory?id=920398
Christians really are not all mindless sheep as you've portrayed here in this post. A lot of us actually think for ourselves and have a pretty strong case for believing. I've linked to your post and responded to it here.
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